I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
