my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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