I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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