I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
