after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
