i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
im on a boat
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