did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
