and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Shame - the story of my life.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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