what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I feel great
I just peed on a car
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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