Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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