I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
