cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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