cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
