Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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