Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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