Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
