I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
