I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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