My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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