I accidentally burped into my bong.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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