I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
