I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
