I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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