John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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