WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
