I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
