No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
