i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
