I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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