I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
