I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
