I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
