absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
