just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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