i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
