Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
