I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
