seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
