New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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