I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
