I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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