I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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