Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
