we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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