Banned from zoo.
Again?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
