I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
