Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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