and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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