Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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