Got a toothbrush?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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